Father.........

I'm listening to Shekinah Glory and on one of the tracks one of the ministers is talking about his father and the kind of influence he was on him. I usually shy away from these types of songs because they make my heart heavy. My parents divorced when I was around 6 yrs old and I didn't really see my father anymore until I was about 15 and then only at school. Even that wasn't very often because I really didn't have a need to go down his hallway so to this day we do not have a close relationship. I don't have a close relationship with my mother either but I am thankful for all that they both do for my family. I made some terrible mistakes in my life, but I never thought that my children would be punished for them. They too are fatherless and watching them I realize exactly how important it is to have that male bond/love/discipline. Unfortunately their father is a very handsome, self-absorbed, good-time fella. He is always the life of the party, but that is where his priorities lie. On having a good time and looking good while doing it. I have been told that I shouldn't let him get away with that and that I should force him to for his kids. And I must admit that it is very hard, but the Lord has blessed us so that we are not on public assistance, I work full time, and my kids are always neat and well dressed when we go out so I don't bother him. I truly feel that when he grows up and evaluates his life, he's gonna realize exactly what he has missed out on. He's going to one day measure himself and find that he is lacking in the worth of a man category. When we were young and carefree I loved him without abandon, but when it stopped being fun and real life came crashing in on us he abandoned me and ultimately our children. I don't blame him or hate him. I should have known better. I knew what I wanted in a man, but I got so caught up in having fun that I stayed to long, strayed off my path and got lost. The clock struck 12 and it was midnight, but I was still in the castle partying. I forgot all about the warning that my fairy god-mother gave me and I stayed at the party until the end. Well we did have a lot of fun together and a lot of good times too. But unfortunately for my children I'm stuck here cleaning up the mess by myself. I wouldn't wish this life on anyone but I do know that I am stronger as a person and hopefully a lot wiser. :) I'm slowly but surely finding my way back on my path, but this time I have little people following me. And you always have more incentive to do better when you have people counting on you.

Can't we all just get along.......................

Well after reading all the comments on what was my favorite blog I am very disheartened. http://verysmartbrothas.com was my go to site for laughs and to see what other black folks between the ages of 20-35 were thinking about certain topics. But what I thought was a harmless post call "Black Girls, White men, and Cameras" made the ugly str8 jump up out of these people. The comments section turned from funny to light-skinned women are the cats meow and sorry for the blackity skinned women that men only really want by default. Internet thugs came out and showed out! Anything that didn't coincide with what some of the "regulars" thought was said to be ignorant and dumb. And then the tangent about the abuse suffered by light-skinned little girls at the hands of the big blackity skinned darkies were was just awful to watch. I kept hoping that someone would come in and moderate some of the comments, but it didn't happen. In the end all I learned was how sought after light-skinned women are by most men because of their light skin and long hair. I hope I never hear any of my children say any of this foolishness because I will let them know quick that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Features don't make the person. Your looks might get you in the door but if you don't have much going on upstairs and are as shallow as a puddle then, what self respecting, real man would want you anyway?

Missing those 3 little words...........................

Its amazing how much I miss hearing those 3 little words that mean so much.

Random Thoughts............................

I'm at work listening to my mp3 player and these are the thoughts that I jotted down on a paper towel

-Well I did pick these songs ( Must have been answering myself in my head, lol)

-Would I risk hell to be with you again?

Bored

-C my days are cold without u, but I'm hurting while I'm with you.

Bored

Your love was my drug, I was and still am addicted 2 you. There are times I get the will power not 2 think about u, but the thoughts always come back..................

-Baby why you hurt me, leave me and desert me.

I need love..............

Have I ever loved anyone besides u 2? Yes I almost forgot about him. lol

Romeo and Juliet
Hot s.e.x. on the platter just to get you w.e.t.t.

Juicy fruit

Juicy is a cutie.
She's a treat.

You can l...ick me everywhere............

1 more child and husband/daddy 4 completion

Congratulations.........................

Saw an old friend on the street

She said today's your wedding

My heart stopped

The tears dropped

Saw my whole life pass me by....................

Well thats the song that I'm listening to now.
Thanx Vesta for putting my pain to music.
Every time I hear this song I think of you.
I wonder what could have been............

Would at least one of my children have your "mood" eyes...
Would another have your "roman" nose......
Which one would have gotten your temper......
And all that excess energy.

You still look good.
Lord why was I hoping that you'd gotten all fat and out of shape.
Maybe even bald.
But you're still the sexiest man alive to me..........
And you still have the ability to take my breath away......
Standing there with your wife and new baby.....
For just a second you gave me that old familiar smile and the whole world melted away........
I'm surprised I didn't pass out...
My breath got caught in my chest and just seemed to stay there...
I tried my best to play it off.
And act like I didn't recognize you.
But I know you knew better.

Why is it that when I think about you I can only recall the good times.......
I know we had plenty of bad,
but for the life of me I just can't remember them.
Well... Let me take that back I remember how you broke my heart.
And used my love for your own selfish reasons.........
And after all these years I still love you.
After everything thats happened........
You are still my first love..............
And you might possibly always be my greatest love.........
I hope not......................................................................

Ye Yo..........................

lyrics by : http://www.sweetslyrics.com


Ye yo, ye yo, ye yo, ye yo

(Help me)

Ye yo, ye yo, ye yo, ye yo...

Sometimes,Sometimes I get so lonely, lonely, lonely

I feel all by myself up here

That's when, I take a minute

To re-evaluate

All of the things I think are special

Oooh like....................

When you wake up in the morning

And you see the morning sun

And you need to know the world is on your side

Who do you run to.....................

Who can you turn to..................

And then the evening comes to greet

And you need someone to hold you close

And you feel you need to rest your aching mind

Who can you run to

Who can you turn to

Well see the sun's in the east and the moon reflects

Like the knowledge and wisdom, I manifest

If you wanna go to heaven lay up on my breast

I'm ye yo, you're ye yo

I say the sun's in the east and the moon reflects

Like the knowledge and wisdom, I manifest

If you wanna go to heaven lay up on my breast

I'm ye yo, you're ye yo

Ye yo, ye yo, ye yo.....



I just can't get this song out of my head.

I'd been listening to it earlier in the day, but when I was on my way home for the evening the words just hit me so hard................

I realized that I was driving and singing with tears streaming down my face.

I think that I'm trying to be grateful for all of the many, many blessing that God has granted me,
but I fall short sometimes harping on the one thing that I really feel is missing in my life.

Sometimes I get so lonely, lonely, lonely

I feel all by myself up here

That's when I take a minute

To re-evaluate

All of the things I think are special

Oooh like....................

At the place that I'm at in my life right now. I don't think that there are any truer words to describe my thoughts.

Things that I think are special........................

My kids.

Sunsets.

Playing in the rain with someone I love.

Curling up on the couch with someone special.

Long, hot showers with no interruptions.

Weekend nights, when the kids are asleep and I have the energy to stay awake and just watch tv or read a book in total peace and quiet..................

Me, Myself, and I

I was just realizing that I am my own best friend.



I realized this because I have full conversations with myself in my head.



I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but I really don't trust anyone enough to totally unload whats on my mind.



Actually maybe the people that I'm around now are the ones I don't trust because I'm so different from all of them.



Truth be told I really don't have anything in common with any of them, so it would be stupid of me to ask for any of their opinions.



The people that I actually have something in common with are the ones I grew up with and I have driven all of them away with of my inability to forgive.



"To err is human, but to forgive is divine." I think thats how that goes.



I really do need to find a way to find people that I can actually relate to, but at the moment it looks like thats not going to be happening anytime soon.



There is one person from my past that I want to reconnect with, but I'm just not sure how I would even go about that.



I really didn't give him the chance that he deserved, but if I had my life would probably be totally different. But then again that might not be a bad thing...............................



I can only hope that the most high, hears my prayers, sees my unshed tears, and will allow me to make amends with this man.



I guess its true that you never know how much someone adds to your life until they are gone from it..........................................................



He truely was a beautiful person inside and out, and he brought alot of joy to my life, but I was just to damned immature to realize it then.



I can only hope that life hasn't beaten him down and changed his optimistic point of view.