Father.........

I'm listening to Shekinah Glory and on one of the tracks one of the ministers is talking about his father and the kind of influence he was on him. I usually shy away from these types of songs because they make my heart heavy. My parents divorced when I was around 6 yrs old and I didn't really see my father anymore until I was about 15 and then only at school. Even that wasn't very often because I really didn't have a need to go down his hallway so to this day we do not have a close relationship. I don't have a close relationship with my mother either but I am thankful for all that they both do for my family. I made some terrible mistakes in my life, but I never thought that my children would be punished for them. They too are fatherless and watching them I realize exactly how important it is to have that male bond/love/discipline. Unfortunately their father is a very handsome, self-absorbed, good-time fella. He is always the life of the party, but that is where his priorities lie. On having a good time and looking good while doing it. I have been told that I shouldn't let him get away with that and that I should force him to for his kids. And I must admit that it is very hard, but the Lord has blessed us so that we are not on public assistance, I work full time, and my kids are always neat and well dressed when we go out so I don't bother him. I truly feel that when he grows up and evaluates his life, he's gonna realize exactly what he has missed out on. He's going to one day measure himself and find that he is lacking in the worth of a man category. When we were young and carefree I loved him without abandon, but when it stopped being fun and real life came crashing in on us he abandoned me and ultimately our children. I don't blame him or hate him. I should have known better. I knew what I wanted in a man, but I got so caught up in having fun that I stayed to long, strayed off my path and got lost. The clock struck 12 and it was midnight, but I was still in the castle partying. I forgot all about the warning that my fairy god-mother gave me and I stayed at the party until the end. Well we did have a lot of fun together and a lot of good times too. But unfortunately for my children I'm stuck here cleaning up the mess by myself. I wouldn't wish this life on anyone but I do know that I am stronger as a person and hopefully a lot wiser. :) I'm slowly but surely finding my way back on my path, but this time I have little people following me. And you always have more incentive to do better when you have people counting on you.

Can't we all just get along.......................

Well after reading all the comments on what was my favorite blog I am very disheartened. http://verysmartbrothas.com was my go to site for laughs and to see what other black folks between the ages of 20-35 were thinking about certain topics. But what I thought was a harmless post call "Black Girls, White men, and Cameras" made the ugly str8 jump up out of these people. The comments section turned from funny to light-skinned women are the cats meow and sorry for the blackity skinned women that men only really want by default. Internet thugs came out and showed out! Anything that didn't coincide with what some of the "regulars" thought was said to be ignorant and dumb. And then the tangent about the abuse suffered by light-skinned little girls at the hands of the big blackity skinned darkies were was just awful to watch. I kept hoping that someone would come in and moderate some of the comments, but it didn't happen. In the end all I learned was how sought after light-skinned women are by most men because of their light skin and long hair. I hope I never hear any of my children say any of this foolishness because I will let them know quick that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Features don't make the person. Your looks might get you in the door but if you don't have much going on upstairs and are as shallow as a puddle then, what self respecting, real man would want you anyway?

Missing those 3 little words...........................

Its amazing how much I miss hearing those 3 little words that mean so much.

Random Thoughts............................

I'm at work listening to my mp3 player and these are the thoughts that I jotted down on a paper towel

-Well I did pick these songs ( Must have been answering myself in my head, lol)

-Would I risk hell to be with you again?

Bored

-C my days are cold without u, but I'm hurting while I'm with you.

Bored

Your love was my drug, I was and still am addicted 2 you. There are times I get the will power not 2 think about u, but the thoughts always come back..................

-Baby why you hurt me, leave me and desert me.

I need love..............

Have I ever loved anyone besides u 2? Yes I almost forgot about him. lol

Romeo and Juliet
Hot s.e.x. on the platter just to get you w.e.t.t.

Juicy fruit

Juicy is a cutie.
She's a treat.

You can l...ick me everywhere............

1 more child and husband/daddy 4 completion

Congratulations.........................

Saw an old friend on the street

She said today's your wedding

My heart stopped

The tears dropped

Saw my whole life pass me by....................

Well thats the song that I'm listening to now.
Thanx Vesta for putting my pain to music.
Every time I hear this song I think of you.
I wonder what could have been............

Would at least one of my children have your "mood" eyes...
Would another have your "roman" nose......
Which one would have gotten your temper......
And all that excess energy.

You still look good.
Lord why was I hoping that you'd gotten all fat and out of shape.
Maybe even bald.
But you're still the sexiest man alive to me..........
And you still have the ability to take my breath away......
Standing there with your wife and new baby.....
For just a second you gave me that old familiar smile and the whole world melted away........
I'm surprised I didn't pass out...
My breath got caught in my chest and just seemed to stay there...
I tried my best to play it off.
And act like I didn't recognize you.
But I know you knew better.

Why is it that when I think about you I can only recall the good times.......
I know we had plenty of bad,
but for the life of me I just can't remember them.
Well... Let me take that back I remember how you broke my heart.
And used my love for your own selfish reasons.........
And after all these years I still love you.
After everything thats happened........
You are still my first love..............
And you might possibly always be my greatest love.........
I hope not......................................................................

Ye Yo..........................

lyrics by : http://www.sweetslyrics.com


Ye yo, ye yo, ye yo, ye yo

(Help me)

Ye yo, ye yo, ye yo, ye yo...

Sometimes,Sometimes I get so lonely, lonely, lonely

I feel all by myself up here

That's when, I take a minute

To re-evaluate

All of the things I think are special

Oooh like....................

When you wake up in the morning

And you see the morning sun

And you need to know the world is on your side

Who do you run to.....................

Who can you turn to..................

And then the evening comes to greet

And you need someone to hold you close

And you feel you need to rest your aching mind

Who can you run to

Who can you turn to

Well see the sun's in the east and the moon reflects

Like the knowledge and wisdom, I manifest

If you wanna go to heaven lay up on my breast

I'm ye yo, you're ye yo

I say the sun's in the east and the moon reflects

Like the knowledge and wisdom, I manifest

If you wanna go to heaven lay up on my breast

I'm ye yo, you're ye yo

Ye yo, ye yo, ye yo.....



I just can't get this song out of my head.

I'd been listening to it earlier in the day, but when I was on my way home for the evening the words just hit me so hard................

I realized that I was driving and singing with tears streaming down my face.

I think that I'm trying to be grateful for all of the many, many blessing that God has granted me,
but I fall short sometimes harping on the one thing that I really feel is missing in my life.

Sometimes I get so lonely, lonely, lonely

I feel all by myself up here

That's when I take a minute

To re-evaluate

All of the things I think are special

Oooh like....................

At the place that I'm at in my life right now. I don't think that there are any truer words to describe my thoughts.

Things that I think are special........................

My kids.

Sunsets.

Playing in the rain with someone I love.

Curling up on the couch with someone special.

Long, hot showers with no interruptions.

Weekend nights, when the kids are asleep and I have the energy to stay awake and just watch tv or read a book in total peace and quiet..................

Me, Myself, and I

I was just realizing that I am my own best friend.



I realized this because I have full conversations with myself in my head.



I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but I really don't trust anyone enough to totally unload whats on my mind.



Actually maybe the people that I'm around now are the ones I don't trust because I'm so different from all of them.



Truth be told I really don't have anything in common with any of them, so it would be stupid of me to ask for any of their opinions.



The people that I actually have something in common with are the ones I grew up with and I have driven all of them away with of my inability to forgive.



"To err is human, but to forgive is divine." I think thats how that goes.



I really do need to find a way to find people that I can actually relate to, but at the moment it looks like thats not going to be happening anytime soon.



There is one person from my past that I want to reconnect with, but I'm just not sure how I would even go about that.



I really didn't give him the chance that he deserved, but if I had my life would probably be totally different. But then again that might not be a bad thing...............................



I can only hope that the most high, hears my prayers, sees my unshed tears, and will allow me to make amends with this man.



I guess its true that you never know how much someone adds to your life until they are gone from it..........................................................



He truely was a beautiful person inside and out, and he brought alot of joy to my life, but I was just to damned immature to realize it then.



I can only hope that life hasn't beaten him down and changed his optimistic point of view.

I got this from http://hopelesspoet.blogspot.com





So now to bold if its true :O





I am a cuddler.
I am a morning person.
I am an only child.
I am currently in my pajamas.
I am currently pregnant.
I am currently single.
I am currently suffering from a broken heart.
I am left handed.
I am married.
I am addicted to my myspace.
I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
I am a little shy around the opposite gender at first.
I bite my nails.
I can be paranoid at times.
I don’t like anyone.
I enjoy country music.
I enjoy jazz music.
I enjoy smoothies.
I enjoy talking on the phone.
I have a car.
I have a cell phone.
I have/had a hard time paying attention at school.
I have a hidden talent
I have a lot to learn
I have a pet.
I have a tendency to fall for the “wrong” guy/girl
I have all my grandparents
I have at least one brother
I have been to another country
I have been told that I am smart
I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor
I have OR HAD broken a bone
I have Caller I.D. on my phone.
I have changed a diaper
I have changed a lot over the past year.
I have done something illegal.
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color
I have had major/minor surgery.
I have killed another person
I have had my hair cut within the last week.
I have mood swings
I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
I have rejected someone before.
I have seen The Lord of the Rings trilogy.
I have seen the television show The O.C.
I like Shakespeare.
I like the taste of blood.
I love to cook.
I like to sing.
I love Michael Jackson
I love sleeping.
I love to play computer games.
I love to shop.
I miss someone right now.
I own 100 CDs or more
I own and use a library card
I read books for pleasure in my spare time.
I sleep a lot during the day.
I strongly dislike math
I watch soap operas on a regular basis.
I will try almost anything once.
I work at a job that I enjoy.
I would classify myself as ghetto.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
I am currently wearing socks.
I am tired.
I love to paint/draw/sketch/sculpt.
I have had/have a broken heart
Graduated High School.
Smoked cigarettes.
Rode every ride at an amusement park.
Collected something really stupid.
Gone to a rock concert.
Helped someone.
Gone fishing.
Watched four movies in one night.
Gone long periods of time without sleep.
Lied to someone.
Been dumped.
Failed a class.
Taken a college level course.
Been in a car accident.
Been in a tornado.
Watched someone die.
Been to a funeral.
Burned yourself. (accidentally)
Ran a marathon.
Your parents got divorced.
Cried yourself to sleep.
Spent over $200 in one day.
Flown on a plane.
Cheated on someone.
Been cheated on.
Written a 10 page letter.
Gone skiing.
Been sailing.
Cut yourself.
Had a best friend.
Lost someone you loved.
Shoplifted something.
Been to jail.
Had detention.
Skipped school.
Got in trouble for something you didn’t do.
Stolen books from the library.
Gone to a different country.
Dropped out of school.
Been in a mental hospital.
Watched the “Harry Potter” movies.
Had an online diary. (this blog is my diary)
Fired a gun.
Gambled in a casino.
Had a yard sale.
Been in a school play.
Been fired from a job.
Taken a lie detector test.
Swam with dolphins.
Gone to sea world.
Attempted suicide.
Voted for Pop Idol.(Arabic Super Star or Star Academy)
Written poetry.
Read more than 20 books a year.
Gone to Europe.
Loved someone you couldn’t have. (Lord yes!!!!!)
Had surgery.
Had stitches.
Taken a taxi.
Seen the Washington Monument.
Had more than 5 IM’s/online conversations going at once.
Had a drug or alcohol problem.
Been in a fist fight.
Suffered any form of abuse.
Had a hamster.
Petted a wild animal.
Used a credit card.
Gone surfing in California.
Dyed your hair.
Got a tattoo.
Had something pierced. ( Only my ears)
Got straight A’s.
Your parents sent you to a shrink.
Been handcuffed.
Known someone with HIV or AIDS.
Taken pictures with a web cam.
Started a fire.
Had a party while your parents weren’t home.
Gotten caught having a party while they were gone

The Office Queen!!!

Why is the office queen trying to start drama with me?

I don't know this young man from adam ( and I use the term man very loosely, probably just like his booty), but he insist on making little comments about me to others.

Either he's jealous about something or he's being used as a pawn by someone else who doesn't like me.

Either way at first I was furious and ready to have it out with him. I then called my sounding board (my mom) and told her the situation.

She made me realize that nothing good can come out of confronting him.

Either he's gonna bitch up and lie or his true nature will come through and I'll ended up starting a full blown screaming match with a 6 ft. pansy.

Either way nothing will get accomplished.

So I'm gonna squash the longing I have to get all up in his sternum and ask him why the F&*% my name keeps coming out of his mouth and just ignore him and his cowardliness.

So F#&^en Tired!!!!

Why does it seem like everybody on earth is in love but me?

I'm usually so upbeat about it but today is just one of those days where I want to crawl under a rock and cry.

I'm mad at myself for being so f&^%en weak.

And feeling so damn sad.

The guy I like is a complete and utter douche.

And he still has not grown up since the 3rd grade.

The only reason I even like him is because I'm so f%^&en bored and he's available. ( But not emotionally.)

I'm hoping that this is just a temporary phaze that I'm going through because my period is about to come on.

And on top of that my hair looks like shit!!! I did not have time to flat iron it and it is a big poofy mess.

So I'm single, unloved, with messy ass poofy hair!!! And it feels like I'm coming down with a cold.

Before I started working at my current job I had some very different ideals.

I thought that all poor and under-educated people were that way because of a lack of opportunities and the crab-in-the-barrel mentality. I thought that these people might be more prone to being mean and nasty because of the hard nature of their lives. And that all they needed was a little help ( some teach a person to fish ideology) and some compassion.

These views have changed.................................................................................

I have often been told that I live in my own little fantasy world, where everybody is nice (unless they have a reason for not being so) and most things make logical sense.

@ this place nothing seems to make logical sense.

And I actually hope that nobody reads this, but I'm just starting to realize that some poor people aren't mean because of their circumstances, they're mean just because some people are just ASSHOLES.............................................................................................

These same people would probably be ASSHOLES even if they were rich. Its part of human nature. Some people choose to make lemonade out of lemons, some people choose to ignore the lemons in their lives and hope they disappear and there are some people who CHOOSE to throw the lemons in their lives at the unsuspecting masses walking past them! These people find joy in making others unhappy.

I use to subscribe to the ideology that most "bad" people were that way because of something that happened in their childhood to make them so.

As a small child one of favorites movies was " The Bad Seed".

I think about that movie now and I realize that some people are born sociopaths.

Some people are just cheats, liars, and deceitful. They are how they are and no amount of "niceness" (lol) on my part is going to change that.

And the more I think about it its not my job to change them. That's God's job and he does things on his own time-table, not mine.

So what I've realized is that I've got to focus on the things in my life that I can change and that I do have control over.

And thats me!

I can't worry about why Suzy Q talks about me or why Johnny P lies on me.

I can only focus on making me the best person that I can be and what I can't change I know that God can. :)

I'm No Vicki!!!

For those of you that follow the Housewives of Orange County then you know who I'm referring to. Yet even she manages to have found a husband. Don seems very sweet and good natured, but maybe also a push-over and henpecked. Sweet and good-natured are qualities that I want in a man, but the other two just would not do. I can at times have a very dominant personality and I need someone who can go toe to toe with me if the need arises. I think Vicki comes off as an overbearing bitch at times because Don is so laid back and easy going. There were times when I was yelling at the TV, telling Don to grow a pair and stand-up for himself. It now seems as though Vicki has seen the error of her ways and has made an impressive effort to save her marriage and show her husband the love and respect that he seems to deserve. I'm very proud of her. Now back to me...........................

Why am I still single???

Is it because I have kids?
I don't believe so. I know plenty of women who have children and have still managed to find a man to love them and their kids.

Is it because I don't seem to be the marrying kind?
Now this is a hot topic for me because I was just thinking about the fact that I don't have that damsel in distress quality. Men do not rush to my aid to save me. I've often been called an ice-queen. I just do not seem to possess that tender quality that makes men want to rescue me. I have no problem being affectionate with my man and letting the man take charge. To be quite honest its a relief sometimes. It feels good to let someone else make the decisions for a change sometimes. I have no problem letting a good man steer the boat, but I'm not about to let anybody crash my shit. Ya feel me! lol Just joking but seriously, I will follow your lead as long as I think you know what you're doing. Once I see that you're about to hit a rock either we decide together what the next step should be or move cause I'm about to knock to out the way, grab the wheel and keep my shit afloat!

THE Most HATED!!!!

That's how I feel right now.

I consider myself to be a very nice person, but it is probably safe to say that I am the most hated person on my shift.

How can you be a nice person and people hate you, you might ask.

Well first you have to work in a zoo with wild animals caged in a small environment. Strange analogy I know but stay with me. Imagine being a new lioness ( don't you love how I envision myself as some majestic creature!) put into a zoo with a pride of wild lions. The social structure has already been established and now I'm thrown in the mix.

Now I'm going to be very honest with you I have never been one to fit in. I was never a misfit, but I've never been one to feel kinship with any group in particular. In high school and college I was always able to float from group to group as I wanted. Due to circumstances of my own doing I currently work with people that I had very limited exposure to growing up. I really don't understand how they operate and they don't understand me at all.

The people I work with ( and I use that phrase VERY LOOSELY!!!) really are like wild animals. They are mean spirited, childish, rude, LAZY......... Actually now that I think about it they're not like animals at all because those attributes don't describe animals. I stand corrected and I want to apologize to any animals that I may have offended by comparing them to the people that I work with.

Let me just get back to being the lone lioness among an already established pride. In a perfect world you get to work with like minded individuals. Even though you all may have your differences you're able to communicate and for the most part get along. Uhhhhhhh, not here. Since coming to work here I've had to learn how to: curse like a sailor when provoked, watch my back at all times, get used to being called out of my name on a daily basis by co-workers, and how to be ready to fight at the slightest infraction. Actually it might be better to compare this place to a gladiator ring. Yes that's it! I'm the only warrior from my people in enemy territory. Now I'm sure that you're probably thinking that I'm exaggerating, but unfortunately I'm not. Young and old I really do work with the dredges of society. Probably 90% of the people working here have criminal records for violent offenses. And the supervisors are a bunch of jokes. Most of them are scared to death of the people that work under them or they want to be their best friends. And dumb................ Don't even let me get started on the lack of intelligence with the supervisors. Its a damn shame that when there's a problem I try my best to keep my supervisor from finding out because I already know that all he's going to do is make the problem even worse and then come back to me and ask what should be done. I can tell you what should be done. Go sit your simple ass down in a corner somewhere and let the people who actually know what they are doing handle it!!! Just get paid and be quiet!!!

If I don't care for someone I just ignore them. I pretend that they're not there and that's what works for me. I still don't get the whole well I don't like you mentality so, I'm going to try and get everybody on my side so that nobody will talk to you or if they they will still talk about about you behind your back.

So some maybe wondering well who exactly is trying to bully me..............

The security guard.

lol I know TOP Flight Security at it best right! ( Friday movie reference if it went over your head.)

Yesterday this woman (more like in-bred she beast!) in her 40s was outside of the office I work in trying to provoke me to violence. lol

Its funny now but yesterday I was mad as hell. That was why I was praying so hard.

OK next question. Why was she mad at me.

She thought I'd transferred a call to her security desk.

Now why transferring a call to her would push this GRANDMOTHER of 4 over the edge I do not know, but it did. She even went so far as to start calling me names in front of my supervisor. What did said supervisor do/say? NOTHING!!! He walked away. I know for a fact that he actually thinks its funny when people get into conflicts and I secretly think he wants somebody to actually get into some type of physical conflict.

Now did I have anything to do with the transferring of the phone call? Nope. But does that matter? Apparently not.

To be continued............................

I'll Trust You!!!

Right now I'm listening to that song by James Fortune.

I will trust you.

I will trust you.

I will trust you.

I will trust you.

I will trust you.

I will trust you.

I will trust you.

I will trust you.

I will trust you.

I will trust you.

I will trust you.

I will trust you.

I will trust you.

I will trust you.

I had to keep saying and typing it to believe it.

I know you love you me.

I know I'm your child.

I know I'm imperfect.

And I know I make lots of mistakes, but you always see me through in the end and Lord I just wanna say thank you.

Thank you for loving me.

Thank you for being my friend.

Thank you for always taking care of me.

Thank you for keeping me out of harm's way.

Just thank you being you.

Thanks for being the lover of my spirit and keeper of my soul.

I hope to oneday love you as much as you love me.

Thanks for never forsakening me.

Thank you for making me feel so much better.

You know how troubled I was when I started writing this and now I just feel so much lighter.

I can breathe again!!!

Hello Blog World, Again.

This is my first time blogging in about 4 years and it feels funny. (Note to self: I really need to find out what happened to my old blog.) I'm going to treat this blog as my personal diary so if you stumble across this and there's something you don't like, just stumble your way right back out. lol